Life in my sketch book

I enjoy drawing.
I have a tendency to draw eyes quite a bit more than anything else.
I am attracted to the eyes, "the windows to the soul".
The fact of the matter is that most of our human expressions are more so focused around the eyes than any other feature of the face.
The furrow of a brow, the crows feet when smiling, and of course tears for whatever reason.
There are plenty more examples.
Eyes are what we look to for acceptance, and when someone looks away from us, we can feel dejected.
This is supposed to be about drawing...
I feel somewhat at a loss for inspiration when it comes to drawing. I want to improve and see my style change and grow. Though I am inspired often by the work of others it is also intimidating to draw after seeing something so well done and complete. I lack the same talent and this discourages me a bit. This isn't to say that it completely turns me from art but I just don't feel as inclined to draw when I cannot draw as someone else.
It's a tricky subject for me. I both do and do not care to draw like someone else. There are several professional artists I admire, and am inspired by and do take a few style directives from. I feel as though it is the less well known artists that I struggle with taking the same inspiration from, their talent seems raw and unaltered and though I know most of them took time to get where they are now. The end results I currently see are what becomes to me, a road block in my own creativity.
I'm probably not explaining this well.
This is more so written for me than anyone else however.

Ye Old Blog..

I realize I have been away for some time now.
So many things have changed and yet at the same time, it seems so few.
I've moved yet again. Only not across the country this time, but across the world.
I've started and continue to run my own little business, as well as have my own car.
I count my blessings, but blessings are noticed generally because they are a contrast to things not so wonderful.

I am away from my family and friends.
My husband is away for training for 6 month of which only 1 has since gone by.
I am alone for the most part.

Initially I looked forward to his leaving.
A time I could reevaluate myself, change my eating and living habits.
Starting new, but knowing I would have someone rooting me on, even if from a distance.
Seems I'm very good at making plans that have a tendency to fall through.
I am more depressed than ever. Though my life style habits have in fact changed, I feel no change in me apart from the deep seeded blackness in my gut continues to grow and I'm finding it more difficult to keep it from going out of control.
It is my thought that we all posses this little black seed, the seed of depression, sadness, jealousy, anger.
We allow this seed to grow the more attention we give it. At the same time the seed has thorny roots that dig into you, that cause you such pain it becomes impossible to pull out those roots. There are of course ways to seemingly trim the brush back and keep it at bay. However for a great many of us the task appears to great, we sit with our backs to seed, attempting to ignore it and it then envelopes us while we are unaware.

As things currently stand, I have a black vine snaking its way around inside me, wrapping around my heart, and my mind, making me bitter and cynical.
I find myself thinking back on happier times contemptuous and spiteful. Asking myself what happened, whats different, why am I so unhappy now, and how do I go back?
I of course realize there is no going back, I was as different then as I am now. I know I must move forward, but it feels as though I am trudging through the thickest of mud, my steps painfully slow and weighted.

I am both happy and unhappy with my life as a whole, and I am truly lost as far as where to go from here.
My black seed keeps growing, and I fear it will consume me.