Ye Old Blog..

I realize I have been away for some time now.
So many things have changed and yet at the same time, it seems so few.
I've moved yet again. Only not across the country this time, but across the world.
I've started and continue to run my own little business, as well as have my own car.
I count my blessings, but blessings are noticed generally because they are a contrast to things not so wonderful.

I am away from my family and friends.
My husband is away for training for 6 month of which only 1 has since gone by.
I am alone for the most part.

Initially I looked forward to his leaving.
A time I could reevaluate myself, change my eating and living habits.
Starting new, but knowing I would have someone rooting me on, even if from a distance.
Seems I'm very good at making plans that have a tendency to fall through.
I am more depressed than ever. Though my life style habits have in fact changed, I feel no change in me apart from the deep seeded blackness in my gut continues to grow and I'm finding it more difficult to keep it from going out of control.
It is my thought that we all posses this little black seed, the seed of depression, sadness, jealousy, anger.
We allow this seed to grow the more attention we give it. At the same time the seed has thorny roots that dig into you, that cause you such pain it becomes impossible to pull out those roots. There are of course ways to seemingly trim the brush back and keep it at bay. However for a great many of us the task appears to great, we sit with our backs to seed, attempting to ignore it and it then envelopes us while we are unaware.

As things currently stand, I have a black vine snaking its way around inside me, wrapping around my heart, and my mind, making me bitter and cynical.
I find myself thinking back on happier times contemptuous and spiteful. Asking myself what happened, whats different, why am I so unhappy now, and how do I go back?
I of course realize there is no going back, I was as different then as I am now. I know I must move forward, but it feels as though I am trudging through the thickest of mud, my steps painfully slow and weighted.

I am both happy and unhappy with my life as a whole, and I am truly lost as far as where to go from here.
My black seed keeps growing, and I fear it will consume me.